We Like Ike

Welcome to our new family member and beloved little friend who was, literally, born yesterday.

Isaac Edward McCabe

April 26, 2012 @ 2:35 a.m.

10 pounds. and 21 inches

Commemoration

The women in my family have a gift for remembering birthdays, anniversaries and other special dates. My sister and I call it "The Birthday Game." Even as my mother degenerates from her early onset dementia, she retains the knack for remembering dates. I half expect to get a call from her today so she can tell me that it is the sixth anniversary of my grandmother's death. She doesn't need to tell me because my brain works that way, too, and I won't forget what happened on April 22, 2006.

Waiting for the baby to be born, I have flipped through the catalog in my mind of what potential birthday connections could be. On Thursday night, two days before my due date when I was having contractions, I thought about giving birth in the early hours of April 20th. My crazy-making brain couldn't let go of the fact that this was Hitler's birthday, even though I consoled myself with the fact that it is also the birthday of my friends Ben and Buster who are two of the kindest and gentlest spirits I know. The contractions ended along with my worries and my hope for early liberation from pregnancy burdens. The waiting game continues.

Four years ago, I went into labor with Charlie on what would have been my grandmother's 92nd birthday. He managed to push his entrance into the world past midnight, choosing to arrive with the summer solstice rather than share his birthday with Gram. Now, I feel a sense of connection as I wait for this baby around the end date of the life of the woman who did the bulk of the work to raise me. It is comforting to feel connected to her as I get ready to take on this womanly work for one last time.

Despite the tumultuous nature of our relationship while she was alive, on this side of her death, I mainly feel the strength of her as my ancestress. Mary Lundgren may have shaken her head at many of the choices that I have made, but I know in the end, she was always proud of me and secretly admired the stubborn way I insisted on pushing against limitations and doing things on my own terms. She was pretty damn stubborn, too, and that's the kind of help you need in your corner when you are poised to bring a new life into the world.

34.5

 



We're in the heartburn- and waddle-inducing huge belly homestretch of this pregnancy now. By the end of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, I will surely be crying "Uncle!" as I wait out the last few uncomfortable weeks in the baby countdown.

On the plus side for this pregnancy: I've felt pretty the whole time and have now had the experience of people telling me I look great during pregnancy. I was definitely not the cute pregnant lady in the last two pregnancies, so this is a novelty. My wedding ring still fits and it's been easier to control my weight this time around. I've also found that the way this baby's DNA mixes with mine has made me a bit more ummmm....assertive throughout the pregnancy. I have to say I like this take-no-guff or prisoners enhancement as much as I enjoyed the way being pregnant with Charlie made me mellower. Our children give us so much right from the start.

On the minus side: I've never really had a point where I've felt good during this pregnancy. Although all tests show mom and baby are completely healthy, it has been a physical chore to carry this babe.

In the last few weeks we've laid in the few extra supplies we need for our new gal or guy, and soon I'll be sending my boys digging in the upstairs closets for the rest of the feathers for my nest. The eagerness to get to know this little one on the outside is ramping up daily.

 

(This is the proof that Josh took these pictures because no one else can make me laugh this hard)

 

Number Nine

 

I gave birth to my first baby nine years ago today. In the intervening years he has developed into a deep-thinker and a deep-feeler. He is my absent-minded professor and my philosopher-prince. Sometimes I get frustrated with him when he has a lost another pair of gloves or doesn't listen because he's lost somewhere in the ether. But when he returns and says things like, "If the aliens were smart, they would attack the earth now before we have the capacity to fight them off," or "If you die and you live alone, what happens to your stuff?" or "I think New Zealand should be its own continent," I fall in love with that amazing imaginative mind all over again.

Sometimes his feelings get him in trouble because the world isn't really set up for people who feel things as deeply as Ellis and he hasn't mastered the defense mechanism of hiding things inside that seems to be a requirement to make others feel comfortable. Sometimes those feelings are hard, like when things are "Unfair!" But mostly those feelings are reflected in an enormous capacity to love, like when he gently talks Charlie through not being scared in the shower or shows him a new game or fixes him breakfast even though Charlie can be really annoying and gets everything his way. I hope one day Charlie and Ellis's other younger siblings realize their luck in having such an excellent big brother.

The key to Ellis is taking time to build a relationship of trust and respect with him. The work will be rewarded with entrance into the magical world he spins and the giving heart he has. I delight in each passing year with him because it means we are getting closer to fulfilling our dream of traveling the world together (First destination: Japan - because he loves Nintendo and I love sushi), and because as that mind and heart grow in capacity I feel like knowing Ellis is a great adventure in and of itself.

Winter Interest

We awoke this morning to a quiet Ansel Adams-style frost covering the neighborhood. After taking Ellis to Aikido, I wandered up and down the block with my camera to capture the dusty crystalline beauty of the weather. There are two full-fledged native plant restoration gardens that bookend our block. One is mine and the other is a neighbor's more mature, fuller, wilder prairie garden at the other end of the street. I love them in the summer, but when all the rest of the world is green and in bloom, they stand out less. In the winter, however, all dried, brown, and stalky, they stand as a reminder in this urban landscape, that the world really belongs to the plants.

Development

The past couple of weeks, we have seen major movement forward in some of the stickiest growth areas for both Charlie and Ellis. As I write this, we have reached day 5 of Charlie wearing underwear without a single accident. We're about six months past my original potty training deadline, mainly because I lost focus during my nasty extended bout of morning sickness, but I will be able to keep my commitment to having only one child in diapers when the baby arrives in April.

He's happy as a clam with his new "big boy" status of using the toilet despite all my worries that he would resist forever. He originally wasn't sold on the idea at all, and while he liked his sticker chart and occasional candy awards, he still preferred to go in his pull-up if I didn't make him sit on the toilet periodically. On Sunday, Josh and I decided to take away his pull-up crutch, put some underwear on him, and deal with the accidents. There was a gigantic sob-fest about this transition, but after the crying and a couple of leaks, he sort of sighed and decided to make the most of the potty as if it was his idea in the first place.

This week also marked the third week in a row that Ellis has remembered to bring home his homework every night of the week. The forgetting started when he was struggling with multiplication tables as a way of avoiding an unpleasant task, but became a bad habit. We have a rule at our house that once you take care of all your responsibilities on a weeknight, you can do whatever you want with your free time until it's time to go to bed. Ellis's love of unstructured free time rivals my own, and when he found out that unstructured time disappeared if he didn't bring home his homework, it became a great motivator for him. Now he runs into the house immediately after school to finish his work to maximize his free time.

It took just the right mix of positive and negative reinforcement to facilitate these developments from a parental perspective, and it caused me to reflect on the most effective strategies for facing the growth areas we encounter regardless of our age. It's very easy to lose hope when struggling with things that don't come naturally to us. As adults, I think we too easily pathologize ourselves and give into the unhelpful negative that there's something wrong with us. The gratification for this negative is that we can use it as an excuse to avoid the work we need to do or to give up our power to achieve greater health, wisdom and happiness.

I prefer the asset-based philosophy that development continues long past childhood. We all have a deep well of strengths and assets that include the ability to surmount our personal obstacles and grow in ways that make us better. The primary work of our lives is to continue to identify and address our growth areas while maintaining the belief that it is possible and insisting that it will happen.

Compatible

On the days when we don't have to drive Ellis to school and Papa vacates the bed early to head to work, Charlie and I sleep in. I awake to the squeak of the pocket door of his bedroom and hear his quick, heavy footsteps make their way to me in the big bed. He climbs in and tickles himself on my curly hair, chattering to me while I feign sleep. Sometimes we play our favorite game and imagine that we are baby birds in our nest until imaginary worms are no longer sufficient to quell our hunger and we head to breakfast and the start of the day.

Our days are easy now, especially since winter and my rough pregnancy have curtailed many of the outdoor adventures we had this summer. He an I putter around the house flitting from activity to activity. Most often we run on parallel tracks, each doing our own thing, talking and laughing with each other periodically, pausing to share a meal. It is the quiet rhythm of compatibility we have had since he was a baby writ large by the fact that we spend the majority of our time together. I savor the fact that, for right now, we have been given the gift of the mellow, easy, free-form life we enjoy the most.

The swathe of solitary time we have together is about to end. In a few months another little one will join the rhythm of our days. I know that when I see Charlie for the first time after I give birth to his new brother or sister, he will seem so big to me, so grown, and will be my baby no longer. We will both struggle a bit to adjust to the transition, just another along the path of separating from each other as he grows. Nevertheless, we will continue to know in our easy laughter, that we will always be two pieces that broke off the same soul.