Phoenix

In general, despite the measured experience of hard times, I gratefully characterize my life as one of relative ease. It would be overly dramatic and in poor taste to characterize the losses I have suffered as particularly tragic in a larger global context. Nevertheless, I think it is important to reflect on the experiences I have had in life that I think of as my own personal disasters.

Disasters lurk in the background of any life. They can be caused by our own flaws or the general forces of chaos in the universe. One’s personal disaster always lies in wait. Personally, I appreciate the moments in life that are disastrous as much as the times of profound joy and I do not think this makes me a pessimist. The times in my life when the very ground of my being has been in a shambles have been some of the most transformative times of my life and I have found that these times have often been the point when the most useful tools or the most significant people have entered my life.

Whether things happen for a reason, or whether things just have the meanings that we give them, it is the process of searching for this meaning that causes us to grow. Today, I am reflecting on the previous disasters that I have experienced as a way to manage the grief I feel. Today, it was confirmed that I had a miscarriage, and the plans that we had and the world that we built around the pregnancy has been dismantled. Now we are left to make our meaning, to grow, to build the next little world based on what we learn from this experience. I have hope, based on past experience, that what is born out of the ashes will have beautiful fiery wings of its own.