Sometime around the beginning of the
last decade, around the time I got married for the first time, my
biological clock kicked into full force and I knew that it was time
to focus on having children. Like going to college, this was
something I wanted to do from the time I was a little girl, and
everything seemed aligned to carry it out. The path to building my
family ended up being a bit more meandering than the path to
educational attainment. I didn't expect pregnancy to be as hard as it
has been for me and I certainly didn't expect to get divorced and
restart my family building with a different partner. Now ten years
after getting pregnant for the first time, I have given birth to my
last child, and I find myself once again scratching my head as to
what is next.
As disconcerting as it feels right now,
I also know this is the right decision. I always knew that I wanted
to have more than two children and after three pregnancies and a
fourth bonus child that I thankfully didn't have to carry, I have
satisfied that desire. I have realized at 38, going through pregnancy
and now the sleepless nights of the newborn stage, that I have come
to the end of my energy for doing this particular work again. I look
forward to completely focusing on the monumental task of finishing
raising my current children. I also feel great happiness about the
pure potential of using my creative energies in other areas of my
life.
And yet. And yet I find my eyes
brimming with tears sometimes when I hold Isaac and my mind wanders
to the finality of it all. It feels like it's just a short trip from
my choosing to be done with childbearing to no longer being of
childbearing age. I am feeling my mortality. This is compounded, I
think, by the realization that I will never have a daughter and that
my intimate experience of girlhood and young womanhood ends with me.
And so, the losses I felt as a girl and young woman, although they
were always mine, feel so completely mine now. For example, I will
never know in any close proximity, what the father-daughter
relationship is like for a young girl, and losing my relationship
with my own father at a young age hurts all over again. There is no
way through these feelings but grief. To paraphrase Gerard ManleyHopkins - it is Charlotte that I mourn for.
And yet. And yet grief feels like such
an inappropriate and self-indulgent emotion when holding a beautiful,
healthy, sweet-dispositioned newborn in my arms and knowing that
Isaac was the exact right baby for me to have. Grief feels wrong when
I have been given the gift of raising four children.
And yet. And yet my experience with
grief has shown me that as inevitable as it is, its greatest power is
in being a marker of the things most important to us. We each have
only one life and there are limits on the things we can experience in
our allotted time. Some things we give up with no emotional impact,
and some things wreck us in their sheer significance. Those are the
things we are most meant to do.
So now, faced with the end of one of
the things I was most meant to do with my life, I will not attempt to
delay the completion with hopes of avoiding grief. I will grieve it -
for the beauty of how it was and for the imperfections I perceive in
what it was not. I will stare a while into this void, and I will move
on in search of the next great thing that will break my heart as
fully.
2 comments:
Wow. Such powerful writing. I love how you said that grief's greatest power is "in being a marker of the things most important to us." What a wonderful way of looking at it.
Amen. Well said. Joy, grief, possibility, loss...
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